Bachelor Recap: 2/15/21

I’M GONNA NEED LESS WHINE AND MORE WINE FROM YOU, LADIES.

It’s Monday night at 10:01pm. You’re sprawled out on the living room couch. One hand firmly grasping an about-to-be-refilled glass of rosé, the other hand clapped over your mouth…in shame and horror of what you just witnessed. Now, this could raise a lot of questions…do you really need to be refilling after 10pm on a Monday? Is rosé even in season anymore? Are you okay? And the answer is no to all of the above, it’s just Bachelor Monday.

Just like me with my wine, February 15th’s episode dives right in. Little Miss Pied Pieper and our boy, Matty, are having a canoodle session on the couch when all of the sudden, Never-Been-Kissed Heather stunts through the door. From their timid sexual tension upon greeting, I would’ve bet (a lot of money) that the two of them had hooked up before. Good thing I’m broke with absolutely no money to bet because indeed my assumption proved to be incorrect. 

Instead, Heather explains (in her bashfully abstinent way) how she bought a cross-country plane ticket there “all by herself” to see if she and Matt had a shot together. Ex-pageant princess Hannah B. had advised her that they really could be good together. I also have a hunch that Hannah must’ve told her to flex the fact that she’d bought airfare all by herself, too, thinking that that’d sound pretty damn impressive. Heather must’ve never seen Hannah’s season of The Bachelorette, unaware that she was to be tuned out … forever.

Nonetheless, Matt side bars to the producers how much he respects Hannah, and therefore, may be willing to flirt it up with Heather for a bit. Being completely honest, though, I think we can see through Matt’s charades at this point. Clearly, the man’s objective of hyping up Hannah B. and referencing his bestie Tyler C. is for some good ol’ publicity. After all, he is as fine as he is an attention wh*re. 

Not to mention, he couldn’t get over the damn minivan that Heather rented for this endeavor (all by herself also!?), bringing it up an egregious amount of times. Maybe he’s gonna let her stay! Let’s pan over to how our current contestants feel about this possibility. … 

Coming in FIRING hot is the Pied Pieper. The unnecessary, extra ‘e’ in her name must stand for earrings ‘cuz ooh girl somebody better hold hers! She proceeds to scream profanities, then lean her trembling arms on a counter, bawling her f*cking eyes out. I’m not sure why. The other girls all crowd around, consoling her. I’m not sure why this happened either.

I also feel like it’s imperative that I reveal some insider knowledge. It turns out that my hair dresser’s grandma’s best friend, Annette, is Pieper’s grandma. (Yes, clearly, we are very close.) Little Annette excitedly told my hairdresser and her grandma-friend that Pieper was going on The Bachelor and she couldn’t wait to watch…for the first time. As they listened, wincing, they offered, “Wait sorry did you just say, ‘couldn’t wait’ or ‘would hate’ to?”

Then, quick out of the lion’s den floats innocent Heather. Oh God, I don’t know who I pity more…dear Heather who’s about to get absolutely flamed or Victoria for not having the opportunity to be present for the impending smack-down. Pieper pipes up (ha.) that Heather is just “Bachelor-hopping” and Jessenia tags on that that is “exactly what she’s doing.” To this, I chuckle, because honeys, if you’re acting like you wouldn’t pounce at the opportunity of “Bachelor-hopping” on over to Paradise, we all know you’re full of sh*t. Even Annette.

In seriousness, though, why are all the girls so mean this season? True bullies. Did Victoria just set the evil tone or is something in the air? We get it. 2020 has been hard on all of us, but we must remember there’s never a need to rip apart a girl who had her first kiss at the ripe age of 25. I can assure you she’s had a rough go even without your mean girl antics.

Anyways, shortly thereafter, Matt sends our virgin frenemy home. Leaving, Heather puts her rental van in reverse, as all the other girls throw that a$$ in reverse in celebration of her exit. Our prideful king, Matt, returns to all of his girlfriends and tells them he wouldn’t let anyone else join the batch, to which all the girls say, “That was so hot. He is so hot.” And they are right.

Next comes the rose ceremony where Matt says bye-bye to Chelsea and Serena C. Serena C., it’s about damn time. I’m convinced the only reason she was still in was because Matt couldn’t remember Serena P.’s last name and accidentally kept calling on Serena C. As for Chelsea, she leaves gracefully, telling Matt he’s amazing. No, Chelsea. You are. You’re amazing. And you really were as normal as you were sexy. As much as we’d all love to see you on Bachelor in Paradise, we aren’t going to get our hopes up because there’s literally no f*cking way you go on. You are better than the franchise, and you know it, we know it. Godspeed.

As the next day dawns, Serena P. receives her second one-on-one date card. Abigail and Jessenia still haven’t been on one yet, so this was some TEA. If their date proves anything, though, it was that Serena P did not want the P. Feeling frisky, Matt chose their date to be tantric yoga, which was basically the two of them having sex with clothes on. Matt says he “really enjoyed the date,” inconveniently riiiiight before Serena P. slanders the name of tantric yoga. 

Later on, unfortunately for everyone involved, including us, the viewers, Matt kept talking in circles about the damn yoga, when FOR GOD’S SAKE—JUST LET IT GO AND MOVE ON. Serena P., our chaste warrior, ends up receiving the rose that night, but she also seems like she hates Matt, so…

Back at the house, upon reading the group date card, it is revealed that Jessenia will be getting the one-on-one date this week. Poor Abigail. But also poor us because now we have to give our undivided attention to Jessenia for a bit. The only thing faker than that chick is her name.

Skipping the group date’s activity and cutting straight to the action, Abigail tries (and fails) to get deep with Matt. Matt is like “Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay yeah, it’s time you go home,” and she leaves during the group date…because that was super necessary!?

Also, Bri shares she quit her job to come on the show. Girl…I’m still rooting for her, though. She really seems the most normal of the bunch (not that that’s saying much). Then, Baby Kit delivers an extremely condescending soliloquy to our Bachelor, though she is 8 years younger and looks 20 years younger. Essentially, our resident 6th grader proclaims that she’d need to have a 7-year engagement, mainly so that she can finish middle school before they enter into matrimony. The unwarranted power and confidence that growing up wealthy can give an individual is truly beyond me…oh how I envy them.

In the end, Rachael gets the rose. She smiles big, blissfully unaware that her world is about to crumble when society finds her plantation party pics and starts to despise her. …Except Chris Harrison? Which by the way…WTF was his interview with Rachel Lindsay…!? I can’t even get into this right now, I can’t.

Anyways, Matt and Rachael get outta there and head to a private Aloe Blacc mini-concert. The only thing I could think about this entire time was the fact that Aloe Blacc, a Grammy award-nominated artist, quarantined for 14 days…for that 50-second gig on The Bachelor. God, COVID has hit us so hard.

All the other girls are extremely emo and everyone cries. I’m not sure if Bri is crying because she’s upset about Matt or if it’s because she knows she f*cked up by quitting her job to be with someone who still publicly admires Hannah Brown. Maybe she just feels bad for Aloe Blacc? Baby Kit is pretty furious, though, and actually commits her most (only?) honorable act yet: leaving. The sad reality is that this was probably a relief for Matt, given the thing he liked best about her was her mommy’s wallet.

Finally, we come to our one-on-one with Jessenia, which is race-car driving…? Matt, whaddup with all these idiotically dangerous dates? After they f*ck up a nice car, Jessenia tells him to pick her up and throw her on the roof of said vehicle for a make-out sesh. Wow, I hate how much I love this show. Quickly thereafter, Matt basically says “okay bye! I literally don’t even know who you are or how you’ve made it this far,” and unlike his affinity for turtlenecks, America agrees with him on this one. Speaking of which…Matt performs a RECORD-BREAKING wear of only ONE turtleneck this episode! Only one! Way to go, buddy.

Now, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for…the rose ceremony. “I wonder who it’s gonna be!” said no one. Pieper from Happy Valley becomes not-so-happy when her name is not called. She storms outta the Virginian mansion straight into her getaway car, not saying a goddamn WORD to Mr. James. Talk about not classy!!! I prayed that Pieper would also stay silent in the car for her own sake, but she continues to run her mouth. Oh Annette, I hope you don’t own a TV.

Now, all we have left is Michelle, Bri, Rachael, and Serena P. A buff teacher, an unemployed chick, a racist, and a hater of tantric yoga. Everyone else has gone home, except for Pieper who presumably went straight to jail. I wonder if she’s sharing a cell with MJ or Anna. 

Next week, we get to meet the remaining contestants’ families. Ugh, we are so lucky. Tune back in here to hear how it goes. Or just watch the episode because reading this probably took longer. Cheers!